


i can make you happy, too!

by paindump



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: ADHD!Mikey, Angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Mikey, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27102607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paindump/pseuds/paindump
Summary: Mikey stuck around to repay his favors—he's amassed an astounding amount of debt the whole time he was alive—but he eventually realized that he does more harm than good. He did the best he can, he repaid as much as he could, but now—now he can finally make them happy. He's beyond thrilled to be the one giving instead of being on the receiving end. He just knows that what he's about to do will give his family the peace and happiness they deserve.But he wants to be selfish one last time, so he says his goodbyes, even if the others don't realize it.--vent fic. im projecting onto mikey. dont read if you're vulnerable. always be careful and take care of yourself first.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 63





	1. leo

**Author's Note:**

> did you know people with adhd suffer rejection sensitive dysphoria? that adhd and depression are coexisting conditions?
> 
> tw for: suicide, suicide attempt, self-harm, self-hatred (for people who dont read tags)

Mikey’s going to miss them when he’s gone.

But he can’t stick around any longer. He’s overstayed his welcome for who knows how long now, probably years and years of agonizing torture via his existence. It was time to set his family free and give them some peace of mind by getting rid of himself.

But he wants to be selfish, just this once. It will be his last selfish act, after all, and after that he’ll never ask them of anything ever again.

Leo’s on the couch reading comic books when Mikey sits next to him and puts his head on Leo’s shoulder. Yeah, yeah, he’s gross and the embodiment of everything awful, and physically touching him must be a nauseous experience. Out of consideration for his brothers, he’s refrained from touching them as much as he can the moment he realized how disgusting he really is. But his last day alive was coming near anyway, so maybe Leo can endure touching him for a few minutes.

And surprisingly (or not, because Leo was a brave dude!), Leo did endure it. He put an arm around Mikey, looking a bit surprised. “Hey, Mikey.”

“‘Sup, Leo?” He smiles up at his brother, bright and warm, taking in the sight of Leo’s face for the last time. So kind and wise and admirable. Whenever Mikey looks at him, he feels like he’s safe. If only he had the same effect on his brothers, then he’d have the right to exist alongside them. “Whatcha reading?”

“Space Heroes. Wanna read with me?”

Mikey doesn’t like Space Heroes, even before he stopped liking pretty much everything—before pizza started tasting like cardboard, before ninjutsu felt like a chore, before video games and comic books and art read like static in his brain. But he says, “Sure, dude!”

Leo reads aloud for him because Mikey’s too dumb to read anything longer than five words. Even in their final moment together, Mikey can’t help but be utterly useless that Leo has to pick up his slack as usual. Since it was in the middle of the story, he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on, but he enjoys how Leo’s voice rose with excitement when they get to the climax.

A dozen pages before the end, Leo closes the comic book. “It’s getting late,” he says, but Mikey knows it’s because he’s had his fill of Mikey’s presence. “You should get some sleep.”

“On it, Captain Ryan!” Mikey laughs. He throws his arms around Leo’s neck and kisses him on the cheek, then buries his face in Leo’s shoulder because he doesn’t want to see the look of disgust on his face. This is going to be a happy memory dang it, and he doesn’t want to tarnish it with reality. Just this once, he wants to pretend that Leo loves him. “Thanks for reading for me. You’re the best, Leo!”

He runs off to his room then, tucking that moment into his heart, slightly tweaking it in his imagination. In his version, Leo had smiled happily when Mikey hugged him; Mikey had memorized Leo’s smile enough to come up with a convincing mental image. It warmed him even if he knows it’s fake.

If he had just looked back, he would’ve known it wasn’t fake at all. That Leo had smiled, sincere and shy, when Mikey hugged him, and the flustered look on his face when Mikey kissed him. That he had wished this happened more often.

But Mikey didn’t look back because he had no hope for such things anymore.


	2. donnie

“D! You know your experiments are, like, super cool right?”

Mikey is spinning around on one of Donnie’s rotating chairs aimlessly, circling through the lab over and over. To onlookers, he looks like his typical bored self seeking stimulation by diving into Donnie’s strange world of gizmos. Only he knows that he’s soaking in the last time he’s going to be here.

Although he never really understood the stuff Donnie’s keeping in here, it began to feel like home to him. Both familiar and unfamiliar. In this place, he can count on being confused and mindblown and… safe. No matter how lost he got, Donnie was right there to guide him, to explain, to give him instructions on what’s safe to mess with or not. It was like a cool playground that Donnie ruled over.

But of course, he’d miss Donnie the most.

“Of course I know that,” Donnie says absentmindedly, hunched over his desk as he works on another blueprint that may as well have been written in alien language for all Mikey could understand it.

“But you’re waaaayyyy cooler!” Mikey cries out, kicking against the wall so the force spends him spinning wildly around on his chair. He’s excited—just filled with energy at the thought of Donnie alone in his lab, undisturbed at last, with no threat of Mikey ruining his hard work. Despite his interest and admiration in Donnie’s hobby—no, his talent, his _passion_ , there was never going to be any room for Mikey in something as amazing as this.

Because he’s stupid and doesn’t think right, he’ll always be a danger to Donnie and his efforts. Thankfully, he has just enough brains in him to recognize exactly what he has to do to make sure Donnie’s happy forever.

“What are you buttering me up for?” Donnie asked, sticking a leg out to stop Mikey and his chair from crashing against the wall. See? Mikey’s safe as long as Donnie’s around. But Donnie’s in danger when Mikey’s around, so the logical thing to do is—

“Aaaand there he goes,” Donnie says, waving a hand in front of Mikey’s blank, ecstatic stare. “You’re spacing out again.”

“Yeah, I just got all these thoughts in my brain, you know?” Mikey twists around so his front is leaning against the back of the seat. “Really awesome thoughts.”

“Huh. Care to share?” Donnie returns his attention to his blueprint while Mikey watches him fondly, admiring how his genius brother translates his brain onto paper.

“It’s a surprise!” Mikey giggles. “You’re gonna love it for sure.”

Donnie turns to him, pleasant shock written across his face. What a sight—it’s rare that Mikey can make his brothers look like that. This must mean he’s on the right track.

“You got me a present?” Donnie asks, his voice a pitch higher than usual—oh boy, he’s really hyped about it!

Mikey’s grin widens. “I got you all a present! It’s gonna be awesome, dude! I can’t wait!”

Donnie smirks. “Well, make sure it doesn’t blow up in our faces.”

Mikey’s laugh is loud—obnoxious, even, because it’s ironic how Donnie is wrong just this once. Because there’s no way they wouldn’t like _this_ present. “Dude, trust me. There’s no way you won’t like it.”

“Now you got me curious.” Donnie’s back to sketching, writing, scribbling—his hands move at lightning speed across his desk and Mikey’s delighted at how Donnie’s ninja skills manifest in other ways. “Is it one present for all of us?”

“Hmm… I don’t wanna give out clues… So just this once I’ll answer! Yeah, it’s just one.”

“What’s one-size-fits-all for me, Raph and Leo?” Donnie pauses to tap his pencil against his chin, then shrugs and goes back to work. “Probably food… or something about video games…”

Mikey giggles. Wrong again!

“I thought you’d be easy to read when keeping a secret.” Donnie chuckles and Mikey rejoices at the fact that he’s not stressing Donnie out for once. “I guess not. You’re consistently goofy, aren’t you?”

“That’s me. Mr. Goofystein. And you’re Dr. Albertstein!”

“You mean Albert Einstein?”

“Sure, whatever you say. You know best, D!” Mikey hugs him from behind and kisses him on the cheek, quick and light, something easy to ignore in the middle of work. But Donnie freezes, and in that split second Mikey is instantly guilty for disturbing his flow like that. For grossing him out while he’s in his haven.

So he bounces up from his seat and cheerily excuses himself, running out of the lab with a “Love ya Donnie!” tossed over his shoulder like it was nothing. Like it wasn’t a goodbye.

Strange behavior, but when isn’t Mikey acting strange? So Donnie lets it go, but as he goes back to his work, he does so with renewed vigor, energized by his little brother’s affection.


	3. raph

Mikey sits cross-legged on the floor, humming to himself as he patiently waits for the dummy to get thrown in his direction so he can pick it up and put it back on its hook.

Raph’s pulling new combos on the dummy—quick, brutal and efficient—and Mikey tries not to feel jealous. He forces the temptation down and focuses on humming the ice cream truck theme song while he waits. A little secret he has is that he intentionally annoys Raph to get beat up. He likes the pain—it feels good, cathartic, a pleasant change from the constant numbness he feels all over his body, his brain, his heart.

As a ninja, he knows how to take hits. How to drop his body to absorb impact, to turn a slam into a roll, to control his momentum. But he doesn’t do any of that because he craves the pain; he daydreams of breaking bones and bleeding out and losing teeth. When Raph throws him, he makes his body go limp like a rag doll, letting the impact pummel through him. Adding his weight to the momentum to make it hurt even more was something he’d begun to do recently. The more punishment he receives, the better. Atonement for existing, a very small price to pay for being alive.

But today, he can’t piss Raph off—he can’t use Raph anymore for his own motives. He loves Raph more than he loves hurting himself so this goodbye is going to be a proper one. Something they can both look back on without Raph grinding his teeth in frustration.

The dummy goes flying and slams against the wall nearby Mikey. He picks it up, disappointed it didn’t hit him, and skips over to where Raph’s training.

“Go sit behind me.” Raph jerks a thumb over his shoulder. “You might get hit there.”

“Nah, I won’t.” Mikey hangs up the dummy, affectionately patting it on the shoulder. “He’s my friend, he won’t hurt me.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Raph scoffs. “Sit on the couch.”

“I’ll catch Mr. Dummy in my arms!” Mikey hugs the dummy tightly, deep down hoping Raph gets annoyed enough to beat him. “We’ll be fine as long as we’re together.”

But Raph only sighs, and he untangles Mikey’s arms from the dummy and pulls him to the couch. Mikey sits down, blinking up at him with big blue eyes, still waiting on the beating. Nothing serious, just a smack to the head. If he’s lucky a tooth might come loose. Hurting Mikey is second nature at this point that Mikey is positive it won’t tarnish this moment if it happened on some miniscule scale.

“Don’t give me that look,” Raph huffs. “Stay there and watch me. You don’t have to pick up the stupid dummy.”

Mikey pouts. “Hey! Don’t call my bestie a dummy. Oh wait, I meant stupid. Hehe.”

Raph rolls his eyes. “That makes two of you.”

Training resumes under Mikey’s curious gaze. His legs swing back and forth wildly as he tries hard to think of a way to say goodbye to Raph without pissing him off. Donnie and Leo were calmer in comparison; even if Mikey does gross stuff, they’re typically able to refrain from putting their hands on him. Raph’s different, however, and Mikey doesn’t want Raph to get into a serious beatdown right now. That means Raph’s mood is ruined.

The next move catches Mikey’s attention—Raph pulls off a rapid succession of attacks that aims at Kraang’s weak spots and finishes it with a punishing kick to the back of the knee. Cheers and hollers erupt from Mikey at the display.

“Dude! That was so sick!” he bounces over to Raph in excitement, buzzing with energy.

Raph smirks at him. “One hell of a finishing move, huh?”

Mikey beams at him in return, the love and admiration overflowing from his heart and pouring off of him in waves. “You’re way better than Crognard, bro! Than any hero ever!” He pumps his fists up at the proclamation—bold but very true, at least to him.

“High praise, coming from you.”

“Try it on me! Try it on me!” If he’s lucky, he might break a knee and a rib from—

Raph fixes him with a deadly glare thst said _no_ and Mikey changes direction instantly. “I bet you’re itching for the Kraang to pick a fight huh?!”

“I always am.” Raph cracks his knuckles and Mikey delights in the sadistic display of bloodlust. Although Leo disapproves of it, Mikey loves it because of how trademark Raphie it is.

“Wish I can see it,” he says wistfully, but he knows he can’t put this off any longer. He’s overstayed his welcome for years now and the more he stalls, the more miserable his brothers become. And he can’t have that. No way!

“You better keep your eyes on the enemy, you dork.” Raph pokes him harshly on the temple. It does little to pierce through the numbness. “By the way, Donnie said you have a surprise gift for us. Leo’s all excited about it.”

“He should be!” Mikey laughs. Being a leader was a hard burden to bear but most of the challenge came from Mikey. After all, how can someone lead effectively when one of his teammates was so useless? But now that he’s leaving, stress-free days are coming his way.

“Why don'tcha tell me and I can hold it over his head?” Raph leans in conspirationally.

Mikey shakes his head. “Nuh-uh! It’s a super secret surprise for everyone!”

"Alright, alright," Raph chuckles, reaching over to pat Mikey on the head. Seizing the opening, Mikey ducks under his arm and gives him a big hug, nuzzling under Raph's chin when he feels arms wrap around his shell.

"Been a while since you gave out one of those," he says. Well, Mikey's affection had faded the more his self-awareness grew, but he was a bit surprised that Raph noticed. Maybe he shouldn't have been so shocked since Raph was a talented ninja with super observation skills.

Mikey pulls away first with a big smile then runs off, leaving Raph with his arms still raised in a now empty hug. Craving for just a few seconds more with his baby brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive been happily working on another tmnt fic lately so i dont know if the next update will come soon :> but life isnt always gonna be happy so i will surely continue this story! thanks for reading

**Author's Note:**

> like i said, this is a vent fic
> 
> i have a plan for this story up until when he attempts. i dont know what happens after that. i guess we will see! dont worry, ill tag the content accordingly.


End file.
